We can’t do it alone

“Without inner change, there can be no outer change, without outer change, no change matters,” –Reverend angel Kyodo williams

As I hold the last month and the last day in my head and heart I acknowledge both the victories and tragedies. The first Native American women elected to Congress and attacks on trans rights, the first Muslim women elected to Congress and the terrorism at a synagogue in Pittsburgh and a grocery store in Louisville, the first Black woman elected to Congress from Massachusetts and the increasing militarization to prevent refugees and migrants from coming onto this stolen land and police will get de-escalation training in WA and there will not be a carbon tax added to protect the environment

As I feel pulls between rage, horror, despair, overwhelm and moments of possibility I also feel a loss for words. When I feel this loss I turn to others who teach and challenge me. Here are some words that have inspired me to show up, take action and allow myself to feel and be with the fullness of my experience as well as others. 

Here are words from Lama Rod:

“Here is what my prayer sounds like right now: I evoke all those beings and sources of refuge who have ever loved me to come sit with me because it is now that I feel most alone. I evoke the Blessed Mother, the Sacred Father, Spirits of Light, the essence of wisdom, my teachers and elders, the communities who have always caught me when I have fallen, the ancestors who have never stopped holding me, the sacred earth who helps me to stand, silence which wraps me in the space to be with my heart, and I call upon my own innate compassion. To all those I have evoked, I offer my grief and what seems like my perpetual mourning in this body. I offer my fear, my numbness, and I offer my inability to dream beyond my shutting down. Most of all, I offer my fatigue. I am tired. Today precious earth let me lie upon you and remind me of my body and my heart. I want many things but I need only one thing now- to give up what I cannot hold to you. I pray that I evolve past my belief that my pain is mine alone to carry. To my sources of refuge whom have been evoked, you have taught me over and over again that this is not the truth. You have taught me over and over again that it is not my pain, but our pain. You remind me that my worship of isolation is not conducive to my liberation. I want to be free and so I offer what I struggle to hold to you right now knowing that you are only here to share this heaviness with and to love me. I am afraid of the world. I am afraid of people. I am afraid of what I must do to survive in the world. Even these fears, I offer to my sources of refuge. Today my precious sources of refuge, in your love, offer me rest. In your love, never abandon me. In your love, haunt all others who feel lonely and tired. Please continue to haunt me in this life, in death, and into all my lives to come until one day I become a source of refuge for other beings. Yet it is also my prayer to become a source of refuge for beings right now in this life. Please continue to take care of me so I may take care of others. May I and all others in this realm and beyond be blessed forever. These are my prayers right now.

And from Nikkita Oliver:

Yes, vote, if you can.
But also… 
get involved in your community;
show up to city council meetings;
volunteer;
cop watch;
protest;
be involved in local schools;
support home schools and alternative educational opportunities for children and youth not served by mainstream schools;
share food and resources with your neighbors;
be willing to protect your neighbors from ICE;
intervene when you see racist, sexist, classist, homophobic, xenophobic stuff happening;
spend your money at small businesses, Black owned businesses, Native owned businesses, POC businesses;
pay rent to the Duwamish (or whomever the Native nations are where you live; especially if you are the descendent of settlor colonials);
have knowledge of gentrification, how it works, and when you can push back;
if you work for a company that is doing harm to communities, speak up, challenge practices, protest at work, whistleblow, quit if you have to;
support rank and file led unions;
make art about the world we want to see;
know your neighbors;
donate to healthy community based alternatives to prisons, courts, and police;
talk to people on the street… etc.

Voting is important mitigation, but I know firsthand how hard it is to run for office. I know that my ballot had a lot of unopposed judges and it isn’t because there aren’t qualified people. It is because running for office is hard and costly. It is because even if you win the seat the system is still white supremacist, capitalist, and patriarchal.

So yes, vote, if you can.
But don’t let that be all that you do.
Revolution and transformation requires more than your vote. To be honest, voting is just mitigation until we bring the revolution and transformational change we most need.

And if you don’t want to vote because you don’t feel like it does anything or you’ve been hurt by the system or you’re tired of trying or you’re tired of not having anyone to vote for… I understand. However, do something. I gave you a list. DO SOMETHING. This isn’t just about you. It is about US.”

The inner changes I commit to are my daily meditation practice and writing. The outer changes I commit to beyond voting are cop watching and joining the Seattle People’s Party. What are the inner changes you are committed to? What outer changes?

Let’s inspire each other. We can’t do it alone.

Love,
Laura

#Metoo Seattle Yoga: The Stories

We want to start by acknowledging and honoring every single person who shares, doesn’t share, speaks, doesn’t speak, reports and doesn’t report. There is no right way to go through the trauma of sexual harassment and violence, and each person gets to choose the way they process, heal and move forward with their lives. You are not alone, we believe you and we are with you in solidarity and love wherever you find yourself in the process.

This google form opened in July offering a space where people in the Seattle yoga community could report #metoo Seattle yoga stories, and we want to acknowledge that not everyone will report. There may be people who did not see this form because they have left the yoga world completely, others may not be ready to share their story publicly knowing the Seattle yoga community is small and the risk is high, others may only want to tell close friends and loved ones, and others may not be ready to share at all. The form was also inherently flawed in that it only gave one way to share, through a form and through writing.

With the stories we are publishing we went through a process of redacting information to make the stories as anonymous as possible. We had to make judgement calls with editing, and we had lawyers read them as well in order to protect the people sharing as much as possible.

We received 16 responses and we are publishing the 6 responses that reported saying yes to experiencing sexual harassment and/or violence in the Seattle Yoga community. Of the 10 responses reporting no sexual harassment and/or violence there was a theme of reporting instructors yelling at students, being hurt by a “very rough adjustment,” and the instructor saying the adjustment was supposed to be that way. There may be a need for a broader forum that addresses all the ways that violence appears in the Seattle Yoga community.

Trigger warning: Here are the stories of people who reported sexual harassment and/or violence (exact quotes with identifying information removed):

_______________________________________________________________________________
At [studio] in [neighborhood] a man who was [a student teacher], approached me from behind in down dog, grabbed me around the front of my legs, and pulled me toward his pelvis. I dropped to my knees and sat on my heels, but didn’t feel it appropriate to discuss or confront as it was in the middle of the class. I also let it slide after class and in hindsight would have had a discussion with both him and his teachers about physical assisting. I find that tradition [lineage] very hands on in an inappropriate and potentially injurious way. ALWAYS ask permission for touch, do not ever do this adjustment!
________________________________________________________________________________

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I used to go to [lineage] studio. While I definitely benefitted from the exercise an dloved the heat I felt the instructors- both men an dwomen – used demeaning language to people consistently and also often exhorted people to go past their saf elimits. One particularly loud yelling day I left the class. I did leave a phone message regarding my beliefs abotu over-the -top yelling. My voicemail was responded to with an explanation that this was the way [lineage-leader] taught and it was appropriate. I never went back.
________________________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________________________________
I was asked to write about this topic by one of the founders of this project and so here I am. I acknowledge the privilege I carry as a strong able bodied cis gendered man, and I am still victim of harassment of a sexual nature.

As a young black man teaching yoga in Seattle I have found myself in several situations where sexual harassment/abuse have taken place. The forms albeit subtle when mixed with racism can cut a bit deeper than they might say for my white male bodied counter parts, from a studio owner eyeing me up and down and then publicly speaking about their level of attraction to me on one end of the spectrum to a woman saying “I see why black guys wear baggy pants” while looking at the dick print in my yoga pants. as a pretty cis hetero dude it could have been laughed away and even joked about as I’m privileged in my sex/gender and orientation however being a black man spoken to by a white women, surrounded by white people in a white institution this was quite uncomfortable.

For me I’m more frustrated by the mental pathology I have to check because my blackness is sexualized and eroticized, this tends to leave me battling within my head is it ok assist my students, to use terms of endearment, to give them hugs after class etc.
________________________________________________________________________________

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I was working with a private client and we were checking in before starting our session. I remember wearing a new Lululemon shirt that I really liked. I asked the client how his body was doing today, and instead of answering he asked me how my body was. He then said, “you have a great body.” I made a joke back to him and said our session was about his body, not mine and laughed. We started our session and I noticed that he continued to look at my breasts throughout the session. I felt uncomfortable, nervous and disgusted. I never wore a Lululemon shirt in session with him again, and I eventually stopped wearing shirts that showed any cleavage at all when teaching or working with private clients.
________________________________________________________________________________

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I took an [particular style] yoga class last night and there was an older man who attended and made me feel very uncomfortable–he sat or stood too close and didn’t seem to actually be doing any yoga. Rather, he was just watching everybody else (mostly women) and walking around the room. I struggled with whether to say anything, because he wasn’t actually doing anything “wrong” and it was my first time at that studio whereas it seemed like he was a regular. In the end, I kept my mouth shut, but it definitely colored my experience. I would think twice about going back to that particular studio.
________________________________________________________________________________

Our Process and Next Steps

Stories included both teacher to student and student to teacher harm. Even though there were no student to student stories reported we hypothesize that type of harm also occurs in the community.

We received next steps from 8 of the participants who responded, and we are choosing to center the voices of people who have been directly impacted by sexual harassment and/or violence. Here are their suggestions for next steps:

5 people suggested Trainings for teachers around misuse/abuse of power

4 people suggested Trainings for male-identified folks on toxic masculinity and Consent trainings

2 people suggested Trainings on the intersection of racism and sexism for the Seattle Yoga Community

Other ideas included:

Trainings re saying no in yoga, in life

Restorative justice opportunities

Our next steps include deleting the google form and ending the formal process of collecting stories. We also feel a responsibility to keep the email open and available for anyone who wants to share. The email address metooseatlteyoga@gmail.com will remain open indefinitely, and if another forum needs to happen we are committed to that.

Other Resources

We want to honor a local teacher, Jubilee Cooke, who shared her experience of sexual abuse from Pattabhi Jois. With her permission, we are including her story here: http://www.decolonizingyoga.com/why-didnt-somebody-warn-me-a-pattabhi-jois-metoo-story-jubilee-cooke/

There is a #metoo Healers Circle scheduled for November 17. Go here to read more and register: http://www.michelledesmondcounseling.com/workshops.html

Theresa Elliot also wrote a piece about How to Spot a Yoga Predator, which can be found here:
https://seattleyoganews.com/how-to-spot-a-yoga-predator/

In the original blog post we named Rachel Brathen’s blog post that inspired our action, and since then she has also shared a Part Two of stories that continued to come in reporting abuse in the national and international yoga world. You can read part one and part two here:
https://www.yogagirl.com/read/healing/79U5el93c486UGKscEWEcG
https://www.yogagirl.com/read/healing/6YBNzG2kzSKgW0cMK6gA4w

Thank yous

We want to thank several studios who were able to get the word out about this forum. We could not do it alone, and we are grateful for your commitment to transparency and healing.

Three Moon Collective: https://threemooncollective.com/
Seattle Yoga Arts: http://www.seattleyogaarts.com/
Om Culture: https://www.facebook.com/groups/omculture
Eka Studio: http://ekayogaandayurveda.com/
Be Yoga Burien: http://www.beyogaburien.com/
Sweatbox: http://sweatboxyoga.com/
Yoga Tree: http://www.yogatree.com/
Seattle Yoga News: https://seattleyoganews.com/
Hopelandic Yoga: https://hopelandicyoga.com/
Yoga Behind Bars: https://yogabehindbars.org/
Ritual House: http://ritualhouseseattle.com/

With love and solidarity,
Laura Humpf, Maggie Karshner, Katie Spataro, Michelle Desmond and Emma Shandy Anway

 

#metoo Seattle Yoga. Do you have a story to share?

• Collecting #metoo Seattle Yoga stories.
• Bringing Transparency to the Seattle Yoga Community.
• Supporting Survivors.

Sexual Violence Happens in the Yoga Community

Yoga has been a healing journey for many and for others yoga has been abusive, painful and violent. Most lineages of yoga have sexual abuse allegations including: Patthabhi Jois of Ashtanga Yoga, John Friend of Anusara Yoga, Bikram Choudry of Bikram Yoga, Kausthub Desikachar of Viniyoga and Swami Rama of the Himalyan Institute. The #metoo movement, started in NY by Tarana Burke, has inspired many people to come forward, to speak, and to refuse to be silenced. Jessamyn Stanely posted on Facebook, “Me, too. And the fact that I don’t enjoy admitting it probably says way more than anything else. Solidarity is powerful—I feel less alone today.” Rachel Brathen offered a space nationally for people to share their stories of sexual harassment and violence in the yoga community a few months back. You can read her post here. Stories have involved harassment or violence between teacher to student, student to teacher or student to student.

Collecting #MeTooSeattleYoga Stories

Stories of sexual violence have surfaced in the Seattle yoga community through the years, and we want to offer an intentional and collective space where people can speak and be heard, especially for those silenced. With this in mind we are offering a space for people in the local community who would like to share their stories. We are offering an opportunity to share your #metooseattleyoga story if you feel called to. Feel free to answer as few or as many of the questions as you prefer. Stories may involve harassment or violence between teacher to student, student to teacher or student to student.

Go here to share your story.

Why We are Doing This

We feel a deep commitment to the Seattle yoga world, and simultaneously a deep commitment to justice, transparency, honesty and bringing to awareness what has been silenced.
We specifically want to bring this transparency to the community we live and practice in because we want everyone to be able to practice yoga in spaces that are free of sexual violence and harm. Transparency about what is happening in the community can be a step towards change, justice, accountability and hopefully, healing.

What Will Happen with This Information

This form will be open from July 15-September 27, and all the stories will be published anonymously in a Rainier Beach Yoga blog post by the end of September.

Next Steps

Based on the information we get from survivors we will propose next steps for the community to engage with. Possibilities that we see are: in person processing circle community wide, trainings for teachers around misuse/abuse of power, trainings for male-identified folks on toxic masculinity, consent trainings, restorative justice opportunities, trainings on the intersection of racism and sexism for the Seattle Yoga Community, nothing, or other idea(s) proposed by survivors in the community.

Go here to share your story.

With love and solidarity,
Laura Humpf, Michelle Desmond, Katie Spataro, Maggie Karshner and Emma Shandy Anway

Grassroots Fundraising Gave me Hope

This Fall I had the opportunity to be a part of this amazing group of folks who came together to be a part of a Giving Project for Social Justice Fund. Here is a description of who this group is: 
The 2017-2018 Immigration Justice Giving Project brings together 23 activists, cultural workers, students, mothers, musicians, nonprofit administrators, plant lovers, counselors, and more. Many of us are immigrants. Among our loved ones are refugees, green card holders, DACA recipients, US citizens, and people without US documents. We have ties to hundreds of places, including India, Chicago, Texas, China, Michoacan, Bellevue, Laos, the DRC, Boston, Ecuador, and the Philippines. We’ve come together to move resources to the folks who are building grassroots power and leading the struggle for migrant justice.

In about 6 months we raised over $247,000 for incredible organizations in the Northwest doing grassroots organizing around immigration justice.

When I first heard our fundraising goal of $225,000 I thought it was impossible, and we actually increased our goal from $125,000 because our team captains thought we could do it!

As the news highlights injustice day in and day out against immigrants to be a part of something that was supporting immigrants know their rights, learn to start their own businesses, obtain emergency housing, leave domestic violence situations, change the dynamics of restaurants where immigrants and people of color are primarily in the back of the house, sue the Montana State Patrol for discrimination, and so much more was a deep experience.

As a citizen from a family settled in the U.S. for at least 4 generations my immigration story is mostly lost. My ancestors’ migration stories were not talked about when I was young, and we traded in our German-ness for whiteness. To reconnect to the grief and longing to what I lost as I attempted to uncover some of my history was important work for myself, and a needed aspect of looking at the ways whiteness has hurt my family and myself.

Each of us in the Giving Project asked our friends and families about giving, immigration and migration. We shared why we chose to spend our time doing this work, and we asked our friends and family to support this work. We all made our own meaningful gift, and I gave the largest gift I’ve ever given.

We read grants and had painful, honest, real and difficult conversations about which organizations to site visit and which to cut. 

We spent our weekends going to OR or MO or different organizations in Seattle to meet the leaders and members as well as witness the impact of their work. The grants many times did not come close to seeing how profound the work was. I had the privilege to visit Mujeres Luchadoras Progresistas. I would highly recommend following them, and buying a wreath from them during their holiday wreath drive. Many immigrant women lose income near the end of the year and this program is a way to develop entrepreneurial skills as well as supplement lost income. Mujeres also has house parties to share information about women’s health and knowing your rights, which makes it more accessible for folks fearful of driving due to racial profiling.

I started this journey after Trump’s election when I decided I wanted to do something, I wanted to connect to the resistance that has always been there. I heard about previous Giving Projects that were transformative and I decided after a bout of hopelessness this was somewhere I could focus my energy. I found the Giving Project gave me hope, I learned a ton about the immigration system, I learned a ton about myself and I learned more about the power of people and the power of community. I learned that impossible endeavors can be possible. 

If you feel drawn to a Giving Project sign up! It will offer you opportunities to grow, to learn, to look at your relationship with giving and money, and to support some bad ass organizers all over the Pacific Northwest. Go here to learn more about Social Justice Fund.

Spring buds, beginnings and birthdays

Spring is here, the tulips are blooming, and Rainier Beach Yoga is coming up her 3rd birthday! Tulips remind me of the beginning of Rainier Beach Yoga because they are some of my favorite flowers, I regularly visit the Tulip Festival each year (picture from the daffodil fields!), and I have a beautiful scarf a friend made me for RBY’s opening 3 years ago called Tulips and Concrete. This time of year is a reflective time to look at where RBY has been in the last 3 years, and looking forward to the next 3 years. 

In the last three years, we have met hundreds of community members, offered classes outdoors, in agencies working with youth impacted by violence and the criminal justice system, women impacted by domestic violence, hospice workers and staff on the front lines of racial justice committed to their resiliency and sustainability. We offered workshops on trauma, depression, anxiety, racial justice and equanimity. Wow!

In the next three years RBY is continuing its commitment to resiliency, racial and social justice and yoga therapy. What is your hope for RBY in the next 3 years? Let us know!

With the buds and the new beginnings there are a few changes and a birthday special coming in May.

First, your special…I am bringing back the Bring a Friend Ticket for $49 for the May Yoga for Resilience series! This is my thank you to you for showing up and a way for you to share the gift of yoga (and accountability) with a buddy. 

Second, class changes…I am dropping my group class schedule down to 2 classes/week in May. I will teach Tuesdays at 6:30pm and Thursdays at 10:30am. These series will alternate between Yoga for Resilience: Building Capacity and Yoga for Resilience: Taking Action. Check out the current schedule here, and the next series begin May 1 and 3. 

The buds coming into bloom at Rainier Beach Yoga are monthly Undoing Whiteness explorations and a Yoga Therapy for Mental Health Therapists workshop.  

What are you bringing to fruition this spring? What buds are blossoming in your mind and heart?

Responding to the NW Yoga Conference

I arrived in Dubai Saturday on my way home from India (much more on that later) and checked into Facebook for the first time in 3 weeks. I saw I was tagged and messaged about something that happened at the NW Yoga Conference the weekend prior. The conference director, Melissa, silenced and kicked out Savitri Palkhivala, an Indian woman who has been a pivotal member of the yoga and meditation community for over 35 years, while she was accepting an award for her husband, Aadil Palkhivala. If you want to see the video and read her daughter, Zenia’s, response you can go here. Savitri also did an interview about her experience here.  

First, I want to thank Savitri for her service, dedication and commitment to the yoga community. Although I have not had the privilege of studying with her yet I have had the opportunity to study with her husband, Aadil, at the NW Yoga Conference in 2015.

Second, I want to thank Zenia for being a fierce and compassionate force in making sure the yoga community is aware of the way her mother was treated. My heart is deeply saddened, shocked and angry that the Palkhivala family has to endure this pain.

I personally taught at the 2014 and 2015 NW Yoga Conferences, and had some connections with Melissa. I have not been involved with the conference in the last 3 years, and have not had contact with Melissa much since 2015.

I was shocked and confused when I heard the news, When I saw the video I was heartbroken and deeply saddened, and then I felt a sense of urgency to do something. I decided to wait until I got back to Seattle, sleep in my own bed, meditate and then proceed from a place of intention rather than reaction. At this moment as I write I feel anger and longing that Melissa will take this horrible situation as a wake up call. I know I personally needed a wake up call to do the work of unpacking whiteness because I have the privilege of choosing whether we look at it or not, while people of color are forced to reckon with whiteness and racism on a daily basis.

Part of my current work is supporting myself and others build capacity and take action. I see this as an opportunity for me to build capacity for myself as a white person by not solely focusing on Melissa acting in a harmful way but to also look at myself. Yes, the video shows Melissa dehumanizing Savitri, and I can continue that dehumanization by doing the same to Melissa. This feels like using one of the tools of white supremacy, othering, to continue to cause harm. If I can easily dismiss Melissa as a bad person because she did something I find appalling without looking into the ways I have done similar things this is a missed moment for me to do more of my own waking up. As a white person I can take this as a moment to reflect on how have I silenced people of color? How have I metaphorically taken the mic? How have I kicked people of color out of a space or made folks feel unwelcome, intentionally or unintentionally? I have done each of these because whiteness conditions me to other and dehumanize people of color. Whiteness tells me that my voice is more important than people of color, that I need to maintain control, that structure and timing is more important than the human in front of me. I intend to continue to unpack my own racism rather than only pointing a finger at Melissa. I intend to take the time to humanize myself and Melissa in hopes that white people can come together to dismantle the ways that white supremacy is harming white folks while at the same time literally killing people of color. When I say I intend to remain connected to Melissa’s humanity that does not mean I do not want her to take accountability. I want to be in a place where I can offer support and/or resources to myself and other white people to do this work because it is so needed, and if white folks continue to set up a hierarchy of good and bad white people less of the work we need to do together gets done. How can we use this as an opportunity to dismantle racism in a larger way in our yoga community rather than demonizing one individual? Racism is rampant in the Seattle yoga community, and this is just one example. There are countless examples that happen daily that do not get as much attention. 

For taking action my first action was to reach out to Melissa. I emailed her yesterday in hopes to connect with her as a fellow white person who struggles with racism and to see how we can work together to unpack the harmful ways we are conditioned by white supremacy. When I was with Reverend angel Kyodo williams in December they asked us, “what instructions do you hear?” I heard I need to start offering Undoing Whiteness classes at Rainier Beach Yoga, and the first one is scheduled for Friday, March 23 from 6:30-8pm.

Diana Mena, Stacey Prince and I will also be teaching a workshop on Intersectionality, Race and Spirituality on March 17.

Here is 8 Llimb’s response to the NW Yoga Conference. 

Here are some resources for white folks who want to build capacity and take action towards racial justice:
Organizations to support racial justice work:
a. Coalition of Ant-Racist Whites
b. Cultures Connecting
c. European Dissent
d. The People’s Institute
e. Social Justice Fund
f. Social Justice Institute

Books on social and racial justice I have found helpful:
Radical Dharma by Angel Kyodo Williams
Witnessing Whiteness by Shelly Tochluk
Living in the Tension by Shelly Tochluk
What does it Mean to be White? by Robin DiAngelo
The Way of Tenderness by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel
Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde
A Different Mirror by Ronald Takaki
Beyond Empowerment Beyond Inclusion by Leticia Nieto

With much love, solidarity, heartbreak, struggle and longing,
Laura

Unanswered Questions and Living Into the Answers

I am incredibly grateful and honored to be able to sit in Reverend angel Kyodo williams’ presence in Seattle. The weekend was full of insight, discomfort, beauty, pain, unraveling and transformation. I am sitting with so many new and unanswered questions, and I share them with you to hold the questions with me and to offer them up as a springboard for your own inquiry process. What questions arise when you read these questions? I have been more curious about questions than answers, even if my brain so desperately wants answers and certainty.

The Questions:
When am I in choice and when I am in conditioning?
What and how have I weaponized myself and how can I disarm?
How do I risk myself?
How do I rest when I need rest without settling into complicity and complacency? Is that even possible?
How do I simultaneously risk and rest?
How can we feel each other more?
How can I be whole and not perfect?
How do I leverage my privilege not to save others but in service to my own liberation? My privilege of place, voice and money?
How can I hold people where they are so we can all be liberated? How can I include as many as possible not as a burden but as an opportunity to win for the team of liberation for everyone?
What other purpose is there in being alive than to do this work?
How do I disarm?
How do I become more and more identified with the soft animal that is my body?
How do I name without attacking?
How and where can I be messy and awkward?
How can I give myself more permission to be messier and even more awkward?
How do I fortify myself?
How do I disengage from distraction and busy-ness, which pulls me from my own liberation?
How can I choose the identity of choosing liberation? And how can I choose this over and over?
How can I disarm the weaponizing of division, othering, shaming, blaming, hierarchy?
How do I attenuate my nervous system to discomfort?
How do I settle into not needing to know the answers?
How do I disarm the desire to punish?
How can I sit in a seat of love? How can I sit in a seat of love? How can I sit in a seat of love?
How can I sit in a seat of self-love?
How do I celebrate people of color who are not only surviving but thriving?
How does busy-ness and distraction keep me disembodied, unfeeling, numb and dissociate? How do I interrupt this?
How is my teaching rooted in white supremacy?
How is my practice rooted in white supremacy?
Where do I want to turn my lens?
How do I feel undone?
When do I leave liberation practices because I want comfort and distraction?
How do I use my practice for comfort instead of liberation?
How does my practice undo me?
How do I stay awake? How do I keep waking up?
How do I center whiteness in a good way? To undo it?
What is the next step?
What instructions do I hear?
How do I know when I have healed enough to take the next step?
What have I inherited? What is inherent to me?

What questions or musings or insights or inquiries arise as you read these questions?

“Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Taking baby steps…

For the past several years I contemplated starting a yoga therapy training program, and I am taking my first baby steps in 2018!

In September I went on a solo retreat to see if I was ready to dive into this adventure. The night before I left I prayed and asked for guidance. Do I really want to do this? If so, how do I do this? I was up most of the night downloading modules and ideas. Apparently, I am ready.

I notice both a desire to talk about this new program non stop and to not talk about it at all. I am aware of this huge growth edge that comes with excitement and a bit of overwhelm. Tapas, heat or work, is an aspect of the 8 limbs of yoga that acknowledges discomfort as an opportunity to grow. Tapas invites us into the fire of transformation in order to facilitate change. Change, and even growth, is usually uncomfortable even if it is also welcome. For me growth and change take a lot of energy, I usually make many mistakes, I have to navigate relationships differently, and I come out the other side differently than I started.

I do not know what this adventure will look like but I am ready to find out. I am reminded of opening up Rainier Beach Yoga over 2 years ago not having any idea what this journey would entail. It has been quite the ride and Rise Yoga Therapy is a product not only of the last 2 years, but also of the last 10 years of seeing yoga therapy clients, 15 years of teachers who have shared their wisdom with me, the community that surrounds me with support, encouragement and love, my partner who literally built my dream and continues to cheer me on as well as challenge me to do better, and my parents and family for nurturing my creativity, curiosity and desire to walk a non traditional path. This, like everything I have ever done, is not an individual effort and I am deeply grateful to so many who have walked before me and along side me.

I hope you will join me for the first intro to Rise Yoga Therapy the weekend of January 19-21, 2018.

Hopeless, hopeful, hopefree

I started the Fall series of Resilient Heart Yoga feeling a solid dose of hopelessness. I notice that I isolate, feel numb, easily give up and have difficulty directing my energy in any direction at all when hopelessness is around. I wanted to be able to both teach from this hopeless place because I believe it is important to honor all the aspects of myself as well as not get stuck there or assume students are coming from that same place. The question I held was how can I hold hopeless and hopeful at the same time? Joanna Macy‘s poem on Active Hope helped me to hold these two opposites:

Active Hope is not wishful thinking.
Active Hope is not waiting to be rescued
by some savior.
Active Hope is waking up to the beauty of life
on whose behalf we can act.
We belong to this world.
The web of life is calling us forth at this time.
We’ve come a long way and are here to play our part.
With Active Hope we realize that there are adventures in store,
strengths to discover, and comrades to link arms with.
Active Hope is a readiness to discover the strengths
in ourselves and in others;
a readiness to discover the reasons for hope
and the occasions for love.
A readiness to discover the size and strength of our hearts,
our quickness of mind, our steadiness of purpose,
our own authority, our love for life,
the liveliness of our curiosity,
the unsuspected deep well of patience and diligence,
the keenness of our senses, and our capacity to lead.
None of these can be discovered in an armchair or without risk.
-Joanna Macy

I particularly like the last line about risk. Hopelessness can sometimes feel welcome because it gives me a break and shuts me down. There can be a risk in feeling hopeful because what I hope for many not come to fruition. How can I hold the possibility that what I want in the world may not happen in my lifetime? How can I maintain some connection to action without the need for a result, even where there is a desire for result? How I can be free from attachment to outcome even if I keep taking action against injustice while more acts of injustices continue in the world?

The Bhagavad Gita says, “You have a right to perform your duties, but you are not entitled to the fruits of your actions. Never consider yourself to be the cause of the results of your activities, nor be attached to inaction.” When I get honest with myself hopeless comes from attachment and leads to inaction. I want a certain outcome, and when that outcome does not happen I can lose hope, and I go through a period of inaction. On the other hand when I am living in hope there is also attachment, and I still have hope that my actions will lead to the results I want. My dear friend, spiritual companion and business partner, Genevieve Hicks, talks about the concept of hopefree (from Stephen Jenkinson). I do not totally understand what hopefree means, but I wonder if it is doing actions that I believe are skillful in the world without being attached to the outcomes of those actions. And when the outcomes happen, whether I like them or not, I listen for next duty to perform. Hopeful and hopeless can come with a lot of struggle and clinging to what I believe should happen, but hopefree may be a way to do my duties in the world with holding a desire while not simultaneously holding a demand that life be on my terms.

When you hear the idea of hopefree what arises in you?

Namaste. To say or not to say?

I have stopped saying Namaste in my classes after much internal introspection as well as external conversation.

I think a lot about the ways that I bring yoga into the world, and, in particular, how I sometimes bring the teachings forward without much discernment. Am I teaching something because my teacher taught it, or I read it somewhere, or I heard it in a training? And who am I learning from? To be honest I have not learned yoga from many teachers of color, and even fewer teachers of Indian descent. I’ve started questioning a lot of what many white yoga teachers do or say in classes, including my own.

I recently had a conversation with a person of Indian descent who said she does not like when white yoga teachers say ‘namaste’ because she noticed that white teachers make a grand gesture out of the word, and her experience with the word is more informal. I asked a friend, whose teacher is Indian, how namaste is incorporated or not into their practice. She laughed and told me they have never said namaste to each other.

I took to social media to inquire why so many white yoga teachers say it, where we learned that we should say it at the end of class, and what the general thoughts were about this word.

Here is what one person shared, who is Indian-Canadian: “Some background: In Marathi we say “namaskar”. It’s definitely used as a greeting, but we also use it as something you give/do to someone or something, especially to God.
My parents would say “Go do namaskar to that person before we leave” and I would go and touch their feet and receive their blessings. Or I would do namaskar to a picture or statue of God at home or at a temple, where I’d pray in front of them for a minute.
My parents would say “Bappa la namaskar ker”, which means “Go pray to God”. So, namaskar is also used to denote “pray” or “give respect”.
Personally, I used to think it was dumb when a person said namaste in a yoga class. But, I’ve gotten used to it and think of it as a part of American yoga-culture, like Lululemon. My brain separates the “American yoga Namaste” from the “Namaste” that someone would use in India. It’s almost like 2 different definitions for the same word.
This is the first time I’ve really thought about it. And when I think about it now, it feels wrong to use in a yoga class. It isn’t an authentic use of the word, and the whole point of yoga is to get in touch with who you really are and get your body and mind closer to that (i.e. the divine). In order to do that, you should probably steer clear of inauthenticity as much as possible.”

There were also many teachers who felt strongly connected to the meaning of the word, and how the word was a way of honoring students. The word Namaste means “I bow to you.”

I got to thinking, ‘If I want to bow to the students at Rainier Beach Yoga and I want to honor them (all of them) is Namaste the best way to do that?’ At this point, the answer for me is no.

My current ending ritual with students is an offering. I share my hope that any learnings that resonated with them continue to benefit them as well as ripple out into their relationships, communities, and the world at large. I conclude with ‘thank you’ and a physical bow.

This is what feels right in the moment, and I am committed to continuing to practice internal introspection and external conversation about this as well as all the practices of yoga that I know, do not know, and have a mistaken and/or uninformed knowledge of.

A deep bow to all who help me wake up more fully, challenge me to practice discernment and encourage me to continue refining who I am in the world.

Thank you.